AnaMondal

What do you truly see in my eyes? The blank gaze? The cold stare? The lost emotionless wonder of a world so empty succumbing to the malnourished sense of ennui, counterfeiting the cold loss of humanity, when in reality, all of it is a farce, merely a farce, and a pathetic excuse to fallacy. What do you see when you see me? Is it the girl you think I am, by merely looking at my face, the makeup I wear, my hair colour, and choice of expression through the exoticism and idiosyncrasies prevailing within what I may call my pathetic appearance, for the lack of a better word, or is it my soul that you think you can so closely and truly see? What is my soul? Do you even truly know my soul? Or do you just pretend that you know everything, and all of who I am a person... just by seeing me walk down the street? Do you assume that my gothness follows every stereotype in the misleading rulebook of what a "normal person" thinks is goth, or is it the true being you see in me? I guess we aught to love who we are, but how can that ever be possible when we fail to know what lies beneath that smile, or the lack of it, behind those eyes, so coldly concerting as they may seem? Who are you? Who am I? When will I truly know? When will you truly know? Do you know who I am? Yet a better question: Do I know who I am? Perhaps the answer is yes, perhaps it's no. For all we all know, I may be the mishap that may have been unleashed to the human race. Maybe I am the one who will dig your and my own grave. Maybe I'm something different. Maybe I'm the broken incarnate of something that simply shouldn't have existed, but just does. Who knows? Who ever truly knows?

I am not sure as to what I could state in this journal, except the fact that I've lost all motivation to write. I no longer draw, nor sculpt, nor do anything artistic anymore. I used to write a lot; but that was a long while ago. Somehow, I no longer see a point in writing. I neither got into Creative Writing, nor can I seem to register to a bunch of courses I need for my degree... mostly because Craig had failed me in Intro to Principles of Literary Analysis, for "using way too many long words" in an essay (a debate I really no longer want to discuss), and now every English professor who doesn't know me, thinks I'm too stupid for their class. Being a Drama major, I need these third year English courses to complete my degree. Sure, I'm done with all my DRAM requirements, except a few, that I'm taking next term anyway and getting done and over with. But the point is, lately, I've not only been feeling like absolute shiiii-aattt (excuse my French), but I've also been feeling like an utterly undesired failure. Stress has been conquering my life, as has being physically unwell. I know that there are a few people who want me around. However, it still tends to often feel otherwise. My doubts and insecurities seem to return, and I want to murder my emotions again. But it's too late to do it quickly and easily. I've also let them return to at least an extent.

The past few months have been crazy. This has been a very painful summer... nothing like what I'd expected it to be. Hopefully, the next two years will be nothing like the last two.

I ended up going to India for two weeks. It was awful. As I returned, I started isolating myself. I'd decided to stay in my room, till someone asked me to hang out. For most part, no one did for a month or so (except Chelsea, on Friday nights). Then karaoke on Friday nights stopped as well.

I finally got a car.

Violet and I eventually hung out. We went to her house in Grand Manan... on a road trip, in my car. It was a lovely trip.

One of my other friendships got murdered. The good part is that I'm over the hurt, and no longer feel it.

Chelsea and I barely spent time together this summer, as most of her time was spent cleaning.

There was another hell hole that I got into this summer.... with my ex housemate, Jacob. He had subletters. They were nasty little filthy pigs. Awful pigs. They wrecked my house, and I'm angry. I never, ever wish to see Jacob, ever again. Hopefully, after this lease if over, I never will. Things basically going down the drain with him. He somehow decided that it was an excellent idea to be a complete d-bag. Thanks to his subletters, I have none at this point. But here's the deal. My subletter kept urging me to come collect my stuff because he saw Jacob's subletters abusing my belongings. Well. When I got back from the road trip to Grand Manan day before I visited the house, and got the keys, I entered my old house last night to collect my dishwasher. Chelsea was about to help me with it. We entered the house, and I was horrified to see the condition the house was it. It was chaos. It still is. It smells disgusting. Chelsea and I cleaned a bit. She suggested that we take as much of my stuff as we can out of the house and shove it in my car, and fit as much as my car can fit in it, and move it to my new house. As we did that, I was extremely frustrated. I called Jacob, and told him about how chaotic the house was. He came in, and refused to acknowledge that anything is even wrong with the house. He says that he saw nothing wrong with the house, told me off, made excuses for everything. It hurt so much. He even tried blaming everything on my subletter and me. I told Chelsea that I can't do this and that I'm going for a walk and will come back. I ran out without saying another word, and then cried and ran, kept running, running, running as fast as I could, trying to run away from reality, hoping that I would enter another dimension and no longer have to deal with this utter bullshit, somehow hoping that I no longer have to face reality. Sick of dealing with his BS for the whole of last year, and now, even after we aren't living in the same house. I sat on the concrete in the parking lot for a while and then returned and apologize to Chelsea for leaving her alone with him, and his bullshit. We work on moving stuff out. Oh, and we were talking about how terrible the place was the moment we got in. Here's how terrible it was. They had locked a little kitten in Jacob's former bedroom, with adult cat food it can't digest, and water that is full of kitty litter, and murky gunk. The water hadn't been changed in weeks. The kitten wouldn't stop crying. It was a friendly little creature. I felt so bad for it. If cats were allowed in my house, though I don't like pets, I'd adopt it. I don't know to take care of them, but I know at the least that I'd take more care of it than those people were. I could at the least give it love, and nutrition, because this has fucking moved to animal abuse. The room smells. They are growing pot and smoking joints in that room, and have instructions to grow pot in that house. It's illegal activity. The cops were in MY FUCKING HOUSE, because of JACOB'S FUCKED UP SUBLETTERS a few weeks ago, because the whole place smelt of nothing but pot, and it was so strong, that the cops came in, and that's when it died down. But they are still doing those illegal activities in my house. And the cat is locked in that room with pot and tobacco, lots of kitty litter everything, the wrong food, murky water. The have a turtle in the living room and they aren't feeding it, and an iguana living in my kitchen counter. They used my dishes for that shit. My dishes were full of mud, other kinds of soil stuff and gunk. The ones int he cupboard were full of muddy water. I had to sanitize everything in that house. They dented my dishwasher. They broke the inner thing of the fridge. And Jacob tried telling me that my subletter (the one who is perfectly clean and considered my bed not being made messy) did all of it,and that it's all my fault and my subletters' fault and his subletters have done nothing and all this is perfectly acceptable. There was kitty litter is the bathtub, because that is where they are dumping it all. My broom was found wet with gunk in the bathroom, and now I'll have to wash it with bleach and dry it before I can even dream of using it for sweeping my house. They are nasty filthy little assholes, and I don't even know what to, and apparently I am responsible for the apartment as well, though no one had taken my consent when bringing those subletters in. I did not approve of those subletters. I did not even want them there from the filth they were making off of it.

They even took of with the keys. Jacob tried making me pay for their internet and electricity. But now, I've decided that I've had enough. I am no longer putting up with his emotional abuse, and standing up for myself. He is not getting his way anymore. It's been far too long.

Sure, he can be a two faced jackass, and act like a sweetheart in public, and have everyone like him. Personally, I hate him, and I wish I'd never signed that lease with him. Last year was hell. It wouldn't have been as painful, if he wasn't a part of my life. I could have done so much better without him being my housemate, and I wish I'd taken that chance of renting the one bedroom apartment I'd found when searching for a two bedroom one with him.

He blamed me, saying that I had caused more damage to the apartment than his subletters had, because I hadn't cleaned the oven. Violet and I have now righted the wrong, by cleaning it. There's nothing he can say to this now.

He then had the audacity to try making me pay for electricity for last month, when his subletters lived there, and mine did not. He said that they weren't living there. Well. There is no way the bill could have ridden up to $150 in a month, in the summer, if no one lived there. I wasn't living there. My subletter wasn't living there. They have keys. So, who would you think rode the bill up that high? Jacob and my cumulative bill in the dead of winter was never higher than $120. I am not buying that no one living there rode the bill up that high. I refuse to pay.

In addition to that, he had the audacity to tell me "I assure you that there's no pot in the house". I have evidence of there being marijuana in there. And I'm allergic to Marijuana.

I have now decided, that after graduation, I will move farthest out west, somewhere to the North Western territories, where I'll never have to see any of these people again. I'll move away, and never have to see anyone I don't wish to see. Course, I'll still keep in touch with my friends. My friends (my TRUE friends) are wonderful, and very few in number; and I know that they love me enough to keep in touch no matter what. But I am not putting up with these people's BS. They can go to hell. I will disassociate with them completely. I do not need malicious pigs in my life, and am better off without them.

Having stated all these terrible things going on (I haven't even listed the rest), there is a silver line somewhere. I still have those few people I really did trust: Chelsea, Brittney, Violet, Isaac Adams (though Isaac and I don't hang out as much), and I've started bonding with a few others.

I finally have a car. I finally received that work permit. I am paving my path to complete independence soon, and I just can't wait. I can't wait till I finally get a part time fall/winter and full time summer job. Hopefully, I'll be able to work full time through Christmas break. Hopefully I'll work all day on Christmas day... seeing how no one wants to work on that day. When I can, I'll soon become a workaholic. I'll pay off all my debts, and finally be free. I can't wait for the next two years to pass, and graduate. It will be grand.

I probably won't update my DeviantArt for a long long time either.

Oh, and note: My hair is back to pink again. I'd dyed it blue, and then it was purple when I tried going back to pink. But now, it's back to being pink again

Signing off.

-Ana

As I haven't updated DeviantArt in an eternity, I decided to post an update of the past 10 days, as they have been overly eventful, in good ways and bad, with multiple fluctuations of good things and bad things, on the same day, even in the same hour. It's ridiculous.

Overly eventful account of Ana's life in the past 10 days:

March 29th:

• Turned in some papers.
• Asked multiple people if they'd come for karaoke night with me. Everyone with the exception of one person said no. A lot of them were busy, so it's understandable.
• Was extremely depressed that night. Needed to go for a walk. Went for that walk I wanted to go for, all alone, because I couldn't find anyone to come with me. Bumped into this bunch of kids I'd met earlier on the same day, and they were going for a walk too. Joined them. Had the most amazing night ever! So, I can honestly say that I hung out at the cemetery with a bunch of cool kids with colourful hair, and a cat who stalked us till one of them told it to get home and called it a little shit, because it just wouldn't go back home when we were going home! Felt a lot better by the end of the night. It was past midnight, so more of 30th March.

March 30th:
• Uploaded some edited photos of the ones Brittney took of me in the lovely blue gown I had.
• Went for karaoke. Liam joined me. Wore the dress I'd wanted to wear for like a week. Bought it from the Salvation Army a week ago, when it was actually warm, and wanted to wear it for class on Tuesday, but the stupid weather changed and it was snowing and full of blizzards, and the weather was miserable. So, I dressed up like a hobo all week instead. So, I decided that I'd wear it for Karaoke night, when I couldn't wear it on Tuesday. Knew that the dress barely fits me. It fits right everywhere else, but unfortunately, as fucking usual, my tits are too big for it. So, it doesn't zip up. Brittney comes to my apartment and helps me modify it and set it up right to wear it for karaoke. Such a beautiful dress. Yay. It's fixed. Can now wear it for karaoke. So yes, I wear it, all happy and glad that I could wear this dress. Liam texts me when I'm almost ready. I feel bad that I am probably late. Find out that I'm not that late, though karaoke started an hour ago, because he says that he'll be there in 20 minutes. Relieved that I didn't ruin his first karaoke experience there. Make it to karaoke before he does. About to write a list of songs I wanted to sing…. Dress's hook breaks. Get someone to hook it up again. They call me to sing. At any other point, I'd be super happy, but I scream from the bathroom, Wardrobe failure, send someone else in. I'll sing once I'm out. Perfect. Missed my chance to sing. Try getting someone to help me fix the dress. The hook breaks off completely. Now, my dress is falling apart. Head outside to see if the bartender has pins that could fix the dress. Perfect. Liam's there, I'm like, "I'm so sorry, I kind of have a wardrobe malfunction going on. I'll be right back". So perfectly awkward. I invite someone to come for karaoke. The person turns up. My dress breaks, and I'm there in the bar freaking out about my dress breaking the way it did. Anyway. Shirley (the bartender) tries pinning it up for me. It works... for a while. The pin breaks, and then pokes me when I 'm singing on stage. I give up, and wear the sweater for the rest of the night, unless I'm sitting. But the rest of the night ends up pretty well, though I barely get to sing. Got to sing only two songs, because there were way too many people in the bar, but hey, at least Liam comes and dances with me each time I ask! Most people don't do that! Though I miss Chelsea at points, because I get flashbacks on back when she was here, and we did karaoke together, and danced like retards, and it was all awesome with my darling as she's the best friend a girl could ever have. But, it was nice getting to know a prospective friend better, though it didn't turn up exactly the way it was planned. At least it wasn't depressing this time! And I sang Climb Every Mountain pretty well too.
• Tried finding people to come for the CHMA party with me, as the email said, "Feel free to bring a friend or a date". Clearly going for the friend option, except that I was willing to take prospective friends and acquaintances too. Even told them that there'd be free food and alcohol, and though it was in a bar, the person's age did not matter, as it was a private party. Asked multiple people. They either never replied, or said no.

March 31st:
• Continued trying to find people to go for the CHMA party with me. Found no one.
• Won the Most Eclectic Show Award. It was like, the best moment ever. Hadn't seen it coming. They called my name. I didn't think it was I. Then they called it twice and looked at me and I was like "Me?" they said yes. I was ecstatic, especially seeing how my radio show is kind of my life. I was overly overjoyed, unbelievably happy. I even got to sit with someone and talk to her between the party, instead of sitting there alone awkwardly. It was like, the best thing ever. I took my golden record and mounted it on my dining room wall as suggested by the CHMA folks.
• Felt the need to celebrate instead of typing essays. Found no one to come with me. Went around town searching for things going on.
• Started feeling a little depressed with thoughts like "I won an award for my radio show and still have no one to go party with or anything because that's how much I really do not matter", but decided to hide the hurt and carry on, pretend to be happy and not let anything bother me and be happy no matter what happens. Like, be happy, even if my mother died today happy 24/7. Took that wow on Thursday. Kept to it, at least till this point.
• Luke suddenly texted back saying that he was glad that I'd texted him. He needed someone to talk to at that point. We went for a long walk, spoke for a while, had a lovely time. Hung out at the Irving and ate some food, and walked back home. The night ended up being lovely.

April 1st:
• Felt feverish AGAIN. Perfect how sickness catches relapses over and over again.
• Uploaded photos from the CHMA party.
• Woke up and went for brunch. Had the most amazing discussion on weather with Kilmeny and Henry then. Who knew that such amazing discussions could come out of miserable weather?
• Henry needed someone to sing for his project. He couldn't find anyone. I wasted half my day trying to sing and failing miserably. It wouldn't have been a waste if I'd achieved something and managed to sing it. But I didn't sing for his project. So it was an epic fail and waste. Spent so long trying and trying to get the notes, to sing right, but then my voice started dying, and I realized that there's no fucking way on planet earth I could master this overnight, and complete all the papers I had due the next day and on Thursday. I gave up and felt ridiculously bad. Henry messaged me on Facebook wishing me luck on my paper and saying that he'd be fine and negotiate something for the project with his professor. Janna ended up singing for him and they did great.
• Was overly depressed that night. Ridiculously depressed. Tried finding resources for my essays in the library, and couldn't. The Research Librarian wasn't there. The Student Helpdesk tried helping me with resources. Cait is the one that works there. She definitely tried, but alas! The topic was too difficult to find resources for, and she found very few that would help. She said that I could look through the card catalogue, and I tried, but I didn't know how that was used. Asked the librarian. She said that it wouldn't help me and that I'd need the Research Librarian who would be in the next day early in the morning. I tried finding the resources. Couldn't find it. The librarian was clearly getting irritated with how I kept asking for help when that wasn't her job. I went up and tried finding the books in the stacks from the call numbers Cait had found for me. Couldn't find them. My eyes were starting to fill up now. I was like, NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP ANA! YOU WILL NOT CRY NOW. OKAY? YOU MUST REMAIN HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I forced them in. I kept trying to find the books. Couldn't find them. Tears started streaming down my eyes. I HATED myself for it. I was like, "FUCK YOU. YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP A VOW YOU MAKE TO YOURSELF! YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT. YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND BOOKS IN THE FUCKING STACKS!" in my head. Okay. Now, the tears were out of control, I went to the bathroom as soon as I could, got inside a cubicle and started crying, and tried being soft because someone was in the next cubicle. She asked me if I was okay. I said, "I'll be fine". She said, "Okay. Sorry". I was about to say, "Please don't apologize for trying to be nice", but she was gone already. I kept crying, got a little louder, calmed down, forced myself to stop because I realized that I really needed to get out, get home and cry. Then I put everything in my bag, and left and burst out crying the moment no one could see me anymore. And I didn't stop. Kept crying on my way back home. Two people were walking behind me. Forced myself to be softer. They passed by. I knew one of them, she turned, and was like "Ana. Are you okay?" I said "I'll be fine". She came hugged me, and spoke to me for a while. I ended up going home, and updating my Facebook status saying that I'm excessively happy. I lied. I wasn't half as happy as I made it seem. I even changed my profile picture to one of me with a giant smile. Ended up chatting on IMVU for a bit and then sleeping. Wasted the whole day. Didn't work on any papers.
• Continued the fake happy act in public.

April 2nd:
• 4011 proposal for Assistant Costume Design in Winter 2013, mentored by Decima Mitchell, for Tantamar (dir. Alex Fancy) scheduled for Feb 6-9 got approved! I'd applied for Costume Design for Fall, and Screenwriting/Playwriting for Winter. But that did not get approved, as I haven't taken any playwriting/screenwriting courses and they don't have any faculty members who could mentor that either (not for this year anyway). But, I was just so glad that I got into the Costume Design one.
• Went for the Attic Broadcasting Annual General Meeting at 7pm, in Room M14 of the Crabtree Building. It was absolutely mandatory for me to go as it was mandatory for all programmers and staff and members were invited. The email said "If possible try to bring a friend who does not have radio experience at CHMA, I know it's a busy time of year, but we would really appreciate it!" There's free Timbits." Posted that on my status to see if anyone would accompany me. No one did. By this point, I didn't care anymore. It started with Financial report sheets handed out, lalala. staff reports, etc. It was actually an interesting meeting. Was wondering how it would turn out. By the end of the meeting, I was now a part of the Board of Directors for CHMA, for 2012-2013. Was quite happy about it.
• Continued my search for a place to live for the coming year.
• Saw hate posts addressed to the "Disinherited Princess" on LAL. Ignored it. Saw some people stick up for me, and others continue being assholes.

April 3rd:
• Skipped every class but one (Music and Difference). Turned a paper in. Worked on others through the time I'd skipped class. Didn't complete those.
• Went for the "What's a Course?" discussion despite having gazillion papers due.
• Posted an advert on the Mount A page on Facebook, and then on LAL as I'd seen people do that before, as it's a place where things are likely to advertise pretty quick. People called my name out on it and started hate posts on there. Some people stuck up for me, which made me a little happy. Others continued the cyber-bullying.
• Continued the fake happy act.

April 4th:
• Secluded myself away. Had an emotional breakdown in my apartment.
• Posted an odd status on Facebook and my DeviantArt Journal.
• Spent all day and all night working on assignments. Produced 20 pages for Restoration and Eighteenth Century Drama overnight (though I had a rough draft already to work over in order to do so). Produced my 21 page Creative Writing portfolio as well, though it didn't involve typing, but just compiling and editing pieces I'd already written a while ago.
• Worked on my Art History project, but didn't complete all of it, though I almost did. Spent around $7 on printing out photos for it, and over $20 buying supplies for it. That sucked.

April 5th:
• Turned in my Restoration Essay and Creative Writing Portfolio.
• Worked on completing the Art project and on completing the essay, and did so by around 6pm when I turned it in. Skipped ALL my classes. It was the last day of class. Missed the whole of the last day of classes working on the project, and on completing my Restoration essay for the first part of the morning (before brunch time). Posted a Facebook Status saying "So, this is what I got done in the last 24 hours: The whole 10 page long Restoration essay with a little over 4 pages of sources (the file was 15 pages long, the essay by itself was 10 pages long), with the first draft, compilation of a 21 page long created writing portfolio (just edited it, didn't type the portfolio), my whole Art History project, including the Statement of Intent which ended up being 5 pages long. Time to take a nice long shower, after 3 days of being filthy, and go out and have a nice night "
• Showered for the first time in 3 days. Took a long long while to do so. Did some necessary physical maintenance work in the shower after a while too.
• Wore Fishnet stockings for the first time in my life.
• Was kind of late, so didn't get into the Last Class Bash. It was upsetting. Spent some time in Pickles hanging out with the Satellites. Bumped into Megan after that, and hung out with her for like an hour or so. She left. Hung out with some other people I knew. Left when they left. Was a cold walk home.

April 6th:
• Brittney painted my back with body paint, and we painted my legs too.
• Modelled for Kilmeny. There were technical difficulties, but it still ended up being a good Friday (get it? It was Good Friday too XD), though Good Friday is insignificant to me. Didn't want to get the paint off, because of how beautiful it was.
• Tried finding people to come with me for karaoke night. Didn't happen. Went alone.
• The first part of karaoke was amazing. No one was there to sing. Literally. The DJ was the only one singing, and when he saw me come in, he said feel free to sing as many songs as you wish to. I got to sing over 10 songs straight. It was amazing. Then some assholes came in. They mocked me on stage, screamed rude things like "Get off Stage. Boo. You suck". One stupid fat as fuck bitch came up on stage and grabbed the mic, pushed me and was screaming how bad I suck into it, I grabbed the mic back and continued singing. And the DJ spoke to her and made her leave stage, but she kept screaming boo booo, YOU SUCK. And then I got off stage, she was doing the same. I was like, well, at least I don't feel the need to put people down and belittle people to feel better about myself and act in such a childish immature manner calling people names because that's the best you can do. And I walked away, and she continued screaming you suck you suck. And then, I was sitting and talking to this lady I used to know. And then this creepy guy came and touched my hip and felt it and walked away. He came next to me again a while later, and I was like, do not touch me. And he touched me again. I said DONT TOUCH ME. He tried blaming me and justifying his right to touch me. Then Lynn intervened and told him to leave me alone too. And then he kept arguing and groping my hip and waist over and over again and I pushed his hand, and then the bouncer came up and told him to leave me alone, and he tried justifying stuff to him too. He told him off and told him to stop being disrespectful and warned him, then told me that if he did that again, to tell him and he'll kick him out of the bar. He didn't touch me again. But gosh, it was annoying. I wouldn't mind a friend touching my hip, because I know that they wouldn't do it for reasons he did, but this guy just annoyed me so bad. The rest of the night was all right. I got to sing plenty. Though that group of people were being rude and obnoxious, it was all right. If Nick was still the DJ, he'd probably do something about it. Such things had happened before it and he controlled it pretty well. There's this group that pops up on random karaoke nights and boos everyone on stage. They are annoying trolls. Even the bartenders got annoyed when these people didn't stop acting the way they did. Lynn bought me a Strawberry Daquiri, a minty milky drink and the apple jello shot, and Kayla (the bartender) gave me a free apple jello shot because she learnt that I loved how sweet and tasty it was, to cheer me up when I was a little upset from those people booing me continuously for absolutely no reason. I even enjoyed singing more when the asshats left. Slept pretty late.

April 7th:
• Woke up significantly late. Ate meals. Kept the body paint on my back instead of showering it off.
• Spent some time with Isaac Adams and the Music students in meal hall. Went home and planned on working on assignments, but didn't end up doing so, because I needed sleep too bad. Slept off most of the day.
• Saw hate posts about me on LAL. Got sick of people not stopping with this. Ignored the post. Then read comments where some people stuck up for me on there and started getting sick of all the online trolling, hate posts about me, especially using my name and other descriptions that made it obvious, and cyber-harassment that has been going on. Someone even wrote a post saying "Dear blond girl getting harassed lately. I think you're really unique and have special talents. Don't let them hate you!" That kind of made me smile.


April 8th:
• Woke up fairly late, but made it on time for omlets.
• Saw that it started snowing again the moment I left home. Had to turn back and change my shoes. It's upsetting how it's snowing again.
• Got back and slept all day, missed dinner because dinner sucked anyway, and continued sleeping. Woke up at around 10:30pm to work on papers.
• Saw that all the hate posts on LAL addressed to me got deleted, but so did my ad.


Updates from things that have happened in the past few months (Not so detailed):

January:
• Chelsea left.
• James finally stopped spreading lies and causing trouble for me at Ninjitsu.
• Had been on top of things academically.

February:
• Thanks to Cordula, my academic plans got destroyed and all the effort I'd put into keeping myself on top of things crashed, and I started lagging back again.
• Was informed that I could grade for Ninjitsu come end Feb, or latest end of March. Was happy and excited about it.
• Played HvZ. Outlived the one person I wanted to outlive as a human and as a zombie.
• Injured myself badly amidst HvZ by having a bad fall thanks to black ice and Mount A's irresponsible maintenance. I was a zombie, and trying to eat Tristan. Stepped out of Avard Dixon. Hadn't even started running. Slipped on black ice, when getting ready to bolt, the moment I stepped out. Fell. My right knee smashed the first step, I faceplanted on the platform beneath. Then I bounced off that and fell on the upper step on the right. Fell off that and faceplanted on the lower step. Bounced off that and ended up in the foetal position on the lower platform.   All I remember out of this? Faceplanting the first time, and opening my eyes from the foetal position. I remember feeling four hard hits in various places.  Chase informed me of it after it happened, because she'd seen it. There goes my chance to grade. Never ended up grading or going back to Ninjitsu. Now that my knee has healed almost completely, I'm too busy with papers to be able to go for Ninjitsu. PURRRRFECT.

March:
• More papers.
• Basically papers, and papers and papers.
• Started hanging out with a bunch of people I really started liking.
• Had a few conversations.
• Contemplated things a lot. Decided to give a chance to friendships once again.
• Started opening up a little again. Put people in my list of prospective friends.

How unbelievably weary am I, for all the ridiculously forfeited things in life, the superficial torments, the structured forces through axiomatic beliefs on things that are nowhere close to being axioms, and presumptions that conceal the remote chance for the existence and open windows amidst asphyxiating walls, denying the possibility and chance for anything positive blooming out of those little buds. Oh how I solemnly despise the malice that prevails and engulfs this planet. How unbearably sick and nauseated am I of all the pretences. Just wish I could somehow flee from everything and hide in a box, far away from humanity and evade everything, evade this existential living.